Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was even more terrible than I ever imagined it could be. I didn’t realize it was possible, but I feel like all the technological advances did this movie reboot more harm than good. I went into the movie expecting to hate-watch it, and I came out of it with longing to see the movie I grew up with. Give me foam, animatronic, Jim Henson puppeteered Turtles over dark, over stuffed, creepy CGI Turtles with Angelina Jolie lips any day!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Directed By: Jonathan Liebesman
Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Alan Ritchson, Johnny Knoxville, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Pete Polszek, Tony Shalhoub, William Fichtner, Danny Woodburn

 

 

My review for this movie will be in the form of a list. I’m pretty sure you can get the point:

 

Things I Thought While Hate-Watching Teenage Ninja Turtles
**WARNING **
**There are some SPOILERS ahead, but really, I’m doing you a favor**

 

  • Why do the Turtles have lips? (And they kinda look like Shrek…)
  • Splinter looks terrible. He has a nose like a dog and not enough fur.
  • Why is Shredder a Transformer?
  • She’s been in snow, rain, and sewage, how is Megan Fox’s hair so perfectly dry?
  • Why is the Donatello (the smart Turtle) so cliché nerdy? With the gadgets, glasses with tape on it, smart speak etc.
  • Why is there so much exposition? Like, the entire movie is exposition.
  • Why do the characters tell us what’s happening before it happens, while it’s happening, then what happened after it happens? (aka, man, this writing is terrible)
  • Why didn’t April show the pictures of the Turtles to her Editor to make her believe her?
  • Megan Fox cannot carry this entire movie by herself.
  • Megan Fox should have a stronger side-kick then Will Arnett who only provides comic relief lines.
  • Speaking of comedians, this movie had a lot of them, too bad none of them did or said anything funny: Taran Killam, Abby Elliott, Whoopi Goldberg  were all severely underused.
  • The actors did a lot of screaming each other’s names in this movie. Just in case we didn’t know who was who.
  • Contrary to popular believe, people don’t want to sit in movies hearing about how hot the lead character is every other sentence. Megan Fox is hot, we get it. You don’t need to beat us over the head with it. At least there wasn’t an obligatory bikini, wet shirt, or e-fan/windblown shot to emphasize it even more.
  • The Turtles were her pets? Seriously?
  • Thank GOD, there wasn’t a love story.
  • For a movie not being directed by Michael Bay (it was only produced by Bay) Jonathan Liebesman sure used a lot of Michael Bay staples (same shots, noises, actors…)
  • Liebesman missed the perfect moment for the Turtles to say “Cowabunga” and instead when they did say it, it was cut off and well anti-climactic because the Turtles told us it was coming.
  • More pizza!
  • The movie was at its strongest when the Turtles worked together. And by far the greatest sequence was the snow sequence. I have to say the dark looking Turtles look amazing against the white snow. It was a beautiful palette.
  • Why did the entire reporter plot disappear and not circle back at the end?

I watched this movie purely out of curiosity. I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I knew it was going to be terrible. But I’m a movie buff and I had to watch it. While this movie got the dynamics between the Turtle brothers right, it pretty much got everything else wrong. I know Hollywood likes to remake, reboot, reinterpret, and mess with things in the hopes of making them more modern. But modern doesn’t have to mean louder and flashier. Sometimes I think big action filmmakers forget that…

 

Rating: 1 1/2 Stars

 

“Cowabunga!”

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