Movie Review: Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon

Posted: July 13, 2011 in movie reviews, movies
Tags: , , , , , ,

Transformers 3 basically is a weird SNOW GLOBE containing a mixture of fancy cars, hot girls, metal, glass, and bullets, which Michael Bay shakes around every 20 minutes or so. Bay’s taken to plagiarizing his own films, forgetting about story, or characters, and he even decided to make his main character completely unlikeable. Transformers 3 was as good as Hangover 2 was funny.

 

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson,
Patrick Dempsey, Francis McDormand.

Premise: You know that pesky first moon landing back in the 60’s? Turns out it there was also a top secret mission to uncover the wreckage of Sentinel Prime, the once leader of the Auto-Bots. Now in present time, where 4 years after the last battle, the government, who are now working with Optimus and the other Auto-Bots, has noticed increasing Decepticon activity. In the After-College slump, Sam Witwickey, finds himself once again in the middle of a Decepticon mess, forcing the government to first reveal its dirty little secrets.

My Review: This may mean nothing, in fact, it may just be too much information, but I can’t remember the last time I left a movie to go pee. I’ve held my bladder for plenty of movies. At the beginning of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I had to pee (and that’s a LONG movie) AND there was a Q&A afterward with the director, still I didn’t leave. Tree of Life, which had beautiful cinematography, but I didn’t really understand, I had to pee during the last half of the movie, but I didn’t get up. Transformers 3? I just left – I had to go, and when I asked my friend what I had missed he said nothing. It may mean nothing to you, but to me, it tells me this movie obviously wasn’t very good.

The story: Michael Bay tried. I’ll give him that. He really, really tried. He gave us back story, completely with old footage of the moon landing and altered footage of Kennedy. He had some twists and turns in the story that kept things interesting and somewhat unexpected, and he upped the action and the violence. However, similar to the Transformers: Return of the Fallen, the first 3/5ths of the movie is basically a boring, ridiculous, useless, throw-away as the movie didn’t get “good” until basically the last 30-45 minutes. Basically, everything got better once Tyrese showed up. That’s two movies in a row where that happened.

The acting: Somehow, Michael Bay managed to make Sam Witwickey (Shia LaBeouf) completely unlikeable. Sure, he was a kid in a strange transition period looking for a job, but he ended up being a whiny, bratty kid who loved his fifteen minutes of fame and felt that it entitled him to not do any of the hard work it takes to get a REAL job. In turn, he was also mean to his Auto-Bot friends, and not very nice to his unbelievably hot girlfriend, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Speaking of which, Michael Bay, I understand you love your girl eye-candy, but you somehow managed to cast a real life Barbie doll, plastic included. At least Megan Fox had a spark in her, something that told us, yes, she’s hot, but she’s also alive with a pulse. Then we have, Patrick Dempsey, who started out good, got better, than disintegrated into a cliché, cartoon character. By the end, I didn’t really care about anyone, or anything…well maybe just Bumble Bee.

Overall: I think Michael Bay has run out of steam. This movie was NO fun. It took itself too seriously this time around. By the end of the movie it felt like even Optimus Prime was just collecting a paycheck. I went to a cheap matinee $5 showing, and I STILL feel like I paid too much. This movie makes me scared for the fate of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

 

Rating: 1 ½ Stars. (1 star for Tyrese and 1/2 star for the cool cars)

 

PS: Does John Malkovich remind anyone else of Ryan Murphy?

 

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